Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
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Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
Weirdos gonna weird.
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]