I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
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“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]