Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
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When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie