There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
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When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
this is the most humiliating day of my life
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs