media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
You Might Also Like
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
if my sleeping schedule was a person
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.