[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
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Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
Food gives you energy to nap more.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups