Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
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When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
Lmao
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)