Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
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Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse