My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
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hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
True
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
I’m already scared
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.