I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
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This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.