Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
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I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.