Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
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“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.