I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
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[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security