Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
You Might Also Like
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
first you must answer his riddles
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.