sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
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My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve