18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
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People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
My typo game is string.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED