DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
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You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive