He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
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The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree