kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
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When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On