At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
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Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”