All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
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ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.