“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
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FRED: right
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it