Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
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oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
this chia pet tastes awful
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*