“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
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Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
Is this a threat?
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
when you order from DoorDastardly
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle