ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
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Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
Anyone want a chair?
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*