I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
You Might Also Like
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
Something Saturday.
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream