If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
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Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”