black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
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You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.