If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
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I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
The Punning Dead.
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
*looks at you in batman voice*
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.