“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
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An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.