Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
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My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.