Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
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who named him groot and not spruce lee
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket