Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
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Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
God has left this place
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
the official breakfast of 2021
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.