I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
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Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
PLEASE READ
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
Attacked by a mop.
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.