How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
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wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
You know I’m something of a chef myself
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.