Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
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Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
no one ever comes back
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.