Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
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The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
rapatouille
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
WTF
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
It’s actually Dr. whatever