[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
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Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
I’m giving up for Lent.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.