4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
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Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
Always 🥴
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.