I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
You Might Also Like
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint