(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
You Might Also Like
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
this independent good boy don’t need no human
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
It has been 3 years since Monday.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
My ideal weight is five million dollars
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.