Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
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I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.