These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
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Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
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why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you