It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
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welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something