Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
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I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.