Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
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*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.