It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
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Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
WHY would you be happy about this?
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you