Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
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I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.