people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
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Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
called in thicc to work this morning
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp