me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
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GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.