if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
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You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
❤️🦆